Honker's Tale
by crashtest
Summary: Honker learns something interesting about his new neighbors. Comments are greatly appreciated.


"Tarsals

"Tarsals. Metatarsals. Phalanges," Honker read out.

Anatomy wasn't Honker's favourite subject, but then he'd just grabbed the first book he laid his hand on when Tank went for the ice cream. Experience had taught Honker that if he didn't want vanilla ice cream to get pressed into the pages of his books, he should stay clear of his older brother when he was eating his favourite snack.

"Metatarsals are distal to the tarsals. Phalanges are distal to the metatarsals," Honker continued reading.

Suddenly a blue, four-door sedan came careening around the corner onto the street. As the car turned into the driveway of the house next door, the house that had recently been sold, it clipped the mailbox, leaving it at a precarious angle. The driver got out and helped a badly injured man out of the car.

"Heh, heh. Sorry about that, DW." The tall driver said. He certainly seemed remorseful about it, but his voice was light and jovial.

"LP, you really do need to work on your driving," the injured duck looked really shaken up by the drive.

If the last few moments of the trip were anything to judge, then it was highly probably that the drive could have seriously aggravated the man's injuries. Then a redheaded girl with pigtails jumped out of the car.

"Keen gear! This place is great, Dad," the girl said energetically.

Honker studied the girl. Strong, Honker thought. There are already the distinct muscle formations of an athlete. She used appropriate slang indicative of a 'cool' or 'popular' type person. That means that she'd be a good person for me to stay clear of if I want to avoid being teased or tormented as a wimpy brainiac.

As the one called LP helped the injured man into the house, the girl ran over to Honker's yard.

"Whatchya reading?" she asked quickly.

Honker adjusted his glasses on his small rounded beak to make sure she was in focus. He'd never lie, but the truth would brand him as a dweeb.

"Ah. Anatomy," he replied with a sniff.

The girl looked puzzled and then leaned closer to take a look at the book.

"Cool, skeletons. Just like in 'Revenge of the Alien Vampire Skeletons'," she said as she mimed out, what he assumed was, some cheap movie monster.

With that, Honker had to change his assessment of her slightly. There might also have been some mental or emotional instability in the girl.

"Do you have any comic books?" she asked.

"No."

"Too bad," she replied. "Oh, I'm Gosalyn Wa-," she started to say with great dramatic emphasis. "Sorry, Mallard. Gosalyn Mallard. I just got adopted and I'm not used to the name change yet."

A logical explanation for not remembering your family name, he thought.

"Ah, I'm-" he tried to say, but the door of the house burst open.

"Honker," Tank sang out sweetly in the tone he used when he wanted something. "I'm taking these to use for goal posts." He grabbed two books out of Honker's bag that was still slung on his back.

Then Tank planted his webbed foot in the middle of Honker's back and kicked him. Before he could register what was happening, Honker went flying forward on to the ground. As he hit the grass he let out a slight whimper.

"Out of my way, girly," Tank said as he prepared to plow into Gosalyn.

"No way," she defiantly shouted back.

Honker had never seen another kid stand up to Tank. Well, she'd soon learn. Honker rolled over on the grass and watched as his brother hold the books in both hands to use as a shield to run into the girl. But Gosalyn didn't budge. She pushed up the sleeves of her t-shirt. Once Tank pressed the books against her, she wrapped her hands around the books and then drove a powerful kick into Tank's shins. Tank started hopping around on one foot and yelping in pain, and continued the dance as he made his way back inside.

Honker took off his glasses, wiped them against his green shirt and sighed. Books still in hand, Gosalyn came over and offered him a hand up.

"Who was the dumb ape?" she asked, after helping him up.

Honker dusted himself off and accepted the book from the girl. Deftly he slid the books back into his backpack without taking it off. "Oh, that's Tank, my older brother," he said with a sigh. "You should stay away from him."

"Like that primitive goon is going to hamper me," Gosalyn said with confidence.

"Gosalyn! Gosalyn, will you please help Launchpad unload the car," the injured man, being supported by a cane, shouted from the doorway of the house.

"See ya, Honk Man," Gosalyn shouted as she ran back into her own yard.

"Just Honker, if you please," he quietly replied.

Honker shook his head and wandered inside to get a glass of water. He was a little perplexed by Gosalyn; she seemed cool and yet she stood up to Tank and helped Honker get his books back, not the typical behaviour of a 'cool' person. She was a strange, energetic girl. But what about the other two neighbours? LP, Honker had learnt, stood for Launchpad, but what did DW stand for? Gosalyn had said that her adopted name was Mallard. But the duck with all the bandages had acted more like a father to her. Then DW must have two first names like Launchpad, or else the second initial would have been 'M', unless, it stood for something else. There are too many unknown variables to formulate a more precise hypothesis, Honker puzzled.

"Honker, dear," his mom said with her usual pleasant way. "Did I see our new neighbours moving in?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Oh, wonderful. I'll prepare some lemonade and cookies and we can go over later and welcome them properly."

As his mother busied herself in the kitchen Honker picked up the newspaper. There was nothing too exciting in the science and technology section. The best story was about a new medication for dealing with premature feather loss. Even though there wasn't anything of educational value, it was always pleasant to read while his mom sang out sweet 'la la la's in a floating melody. There was an article about the destruction of Canard Tower and the deaths of the notorious criminal mastermind, Taurus Bulba, and the questionable masked vigilante, Darkwing Duck.

"Honker, can you carry the cookies, please?" his mom asked. "Your father and I are ready to go over and met the new neighbours."

As Honker knocked on the neighbour's door, he could hear Gosalyn yelling inside, and then a noise that sounded like a herd of elephants crashing down the stairs.

"Got it," Gosalyn shouted from inside the house. She threw the door open. "Oh, hi ya, Honk."

"Howdy, neighbour," Honker's father said once the door was open. "Well, ain't that dandy. The kids already know each other. I'm Herb Muddlefoot, Quackerwear salesman, and this is my lovely wife, Binky," he said as he marched into the house.

The injured man was lying on the couch with his bandaged legs up on pillows.

"Right, I'm Drake Mallard, this is my friend Launchpad McQuack, and my daughter Gosalyn," the wounded man said, giving introductions from the sofa. He then grabbed the remote control and switched channels.

"Oh, great. Pelican's Island. Hee hee, I love this show," Herb said as he sat down in one of the easychairs. Binky followed, put the lemonade on the coffee table and then sat down in the other chair.

Honker set the plate of cookies on the table beside the lemonade and sat down on the floor. Gosalyn flopped down beside him and grabbed a couple of cookies.

"Oh, this is the one where the Skipper gets caught in quicksand," Herb said, taking a cookie.

"Yeah, heh heh, and they use Little Buddy as a rope to free him and he gets stretched out like a piece of spaghetti," Launchpad said, coming around behind the couch and perching on the arm of the sofa.

"Um, I'd rather-" Mr. Mallard tried to say.

"Yeah, and to get him back to his normal size they pound him on the head with coconuts," Herb added, laughing merrily.

"Could you maybe-" Mr. Mallard tried again.

"What a lovely house you have," Binky said, as she looked around the room.

"Do you guys think-" Mr. Mallard started again, but he was still being ignored by the others.

The living room became a noisy, chaotic place. Binky was commenting on the house and offering possible decoration ideas. Launchpad and Herb were carrying on an animated discussion about Pelican's Island. Mr. Mallard kept trying to be heard; he looked liked he would have preferred to have his first night in his new house be a quiet one. The poor fellow was stuck on the couch because of his injuries, so he couldn't even waddle off to a quiet part of the house. Even Gosalyn was talking, complimenting Honker's mom on the good cookies. And in the background, the TV still blared.

Without saying a word, Honker glanced around the room. Even though the atmosphere was boisterous and confusing, it was friendly and warm. He leaned back against the couch with a cookie in hand and enjoyed the pleasant mayhem. A minute later he was distracted by a noise behind him. Honker turned slightly and saw Mr. Mallard's wing reaching towards the plate of cookies. He was grunting with the strain of trying to get one of the sweets. Then with a sigh he gave up and flumped back on the couch.

Honker picked up the plate and passed it within reach for Mr. Mallard. He thought he heard a quiet, "Thanks, Honker," coming from Mr. Mallard. It was just a simple thanks, but Honker felt himself blush slightly as he lowered his head and looked at his hands.

Every-day Gosalyn walked with Honker to school. She was nice and cheerful and kept the bullies away from him. Yeah, she asked for help on her homework, but she also played games with him, some board games and some sports. Gosalyn even went with him to the science center. They quickly became good friends. With her around he got beat up and mugged a lot less. Gosalyn didn't seem to mind that he was a wimpy nerd, and her energetic exclamations didn't often affect his concentration.

One Saturday, about a month after the new neighbours moved in next door, Honker was at the University by himself. Gosalyn was at soccer practice or she would have come with him. Well, she wasn't interested in electrochemistry, but it was a place that children weren't normally allowed, so she would have come, if only for the novelty. And in her own way, she did like science, especially how it tied in with science fiction. Honker was going to see Professor Von Rumproast. In science class they were studying electricity, and their text referenced one of Dr. Rumproast's articles.

"Mah, Honker, welcome," Dr, Von Rumproast mooed.

"Hello, Professor. What are you working on?" Honker politely asked.

"Oh, I've just finished working on my mini battery." He held up a very small battery about the size of a deck of cards. "Imagine something this size powering a car. It's wonderful."

"It sure is," said a raspy voice from the door.

The guy standing there had the wildest outfit that Honker had ever seen: a yellow jump suit, blue gloves, and a hat that looked like the prongs of an electrical plug. Some of the costume's accessories seemed to have been purchased from the electronics aisle at the hardware store. It was like a pathetic Halloween costume.

"I'll take that," the strange fellow said, referring to the battery.

Dr. Von Rumproast held the battery close to his chest and shook his horned head. The thief then made sparks fly out the end of his fingers. Honker and Dr. Von Rumproast cowered together as the sparks came so close that Honker could feel his feathers stick out from the charge. As the villain approached, Honker was shaking so much that his glasses were bouncing and blurring his vision.

Despite that, Honker thought he saw some smoke coming from under the door. Blue smoke.

The guy deftly snatched the battery out of Dr. Von Rumproast's hands. Once he had his prize, he cradled the tiny battery like a precious child, cooing to it.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night," a disembodied voice sounded from the smoke.

The yellow-clad creep turned abruptly and started to tremble.

"I am the rain that ruins your picnic."

The villain got over his case of the shakes and looked menacing again. His electrified hands started to spark again as he aimed his charges into the smoke.

"I am Darkwing Duck," the masked crime fighter said, as he magically appeared behind the villain. "I'm pulling the plug on your shocking shenanigans, Sparky."

"Oh, don't call me Sparky," the crazed villain shrieked in frustration.

It dawned on Honker who was robbing the professor. He'd read articles in the paper about Megavolt.

"What ever you say, you power pushing pipsqueak," Darkwing derided.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?" the crook said, looking suddenly perplexed.

"Darkwing Duck would never rest knowing super-villains like you still roamed free in my city, you erroneous electrified egomaniac," Darkwing Duck retorted.

"No fair," Megavolt whined. "I thought with you gone, I could finally have some fun."

Simultaneously both Megavolt and Darkwing Duck reached into their costumes to pull out weapons.

"Suck gas, evil-doer," Darkwing shouted, with his gas gun in hand.

"Eat amperes," Megavolt cried, as his electric gun sparked.

Both fired at the same time. Darkwing was thrown into spasms as the electricity raced through his muscles. Megavolt, on the other hand, coughed violently from the gas. Dr. Von Rumproast and Honker ducked under a table to try to stay out of harm's way.

From under the table Honker could easily see that Darkwing's feet were all bandaged up. There were also a couple of bandages, barely visible under his mask. It made sense that Darkwing would have been seriously injured if he had survived the explosion on top of Canard tower.

Masked man stumbled and staggered from the electrocution. As he tried to regain normal function of his body, Darkwing pirouetted like a ballerina, moaning deliriously. Megavolt recovered first and started sending electrical zaps out of his fingers. Darkwing shrieked like a girl.

Or a cowering dweeb, Honker thought, realizing that he'd probably shriek, too, if shot at.

"Even a slightly damaged, Darkwing manages to dance his way out of complete disaster," Darkwing said. He grabbed the beakers of chemicals from the counter and started throwing them at Megavolt. Broken glass shattered and musically tinkled like wind chimes. Acid splattered around the room, burning holes in everything, making the room look like Swiss cheese. Dr. Rumproast and Honker had to shift quickly in their hiding place as acid ate though the table and dripped on to the floor.

The next things Darkwing threw at the villain were some thin flexible wires. Megavolt squirmed around in the mess of wires like a meatball on a plate of spaghetti.

Taking the opportunity, Darkwing Duck managed to get his hands on the battery, but Megavolt didn't relinquish his hold. They pulled the battery back and forth between them like a pair of children battling for a favourite toy. For someone who was injured, Darkwing was doing a good job and managed to keep hold of Dr. Rumproast's invention.

"Look," the caped crime fighter said, indicating behind Megavolt. "A mega electron disassembler."

"Really?" Megavolt said with excitement, turning to look behind him.

"Ah, sorry I'm late, DW," Launchpad said as he walked in. "But you know how hard it is to find a parking space on campus."

Well, it looked like Launchpad. It was a little hard to tell when cowering under an acid eaten table. But the diversion worked; Darkwing had the battery and was holding it up triumphantly.

"Ha. As if you could get the drop on the daring Darkwing Duck," he said, looking very heroic.

Megavolt didn't take losing the battery well. Sparks started flying from the top of his hat, in anger. Then the villain aimed his bolts at Darkwing. With his injured legs, Darkwing was a little slow dodging the zaps. Yelping each time Megavolt aimed at him, Darkwing managed to avoid only about half of the blasts.

The sharp smell of burnt feathers filled Honker's nose. He turned his head away just as Darkwing Duck dove behind the table. Honker looked right into the caped crime fighter's eyes.

"Stay under here, out of the way," Darkwing said, then got up and faced Megavolt again.

As soon as Darkwing had cleared the table, Megavolt shot at him again. Darkwing dove into a roll, and came up out of it with his gas gun out. Quickly he aimed up at the ceiling and fired. As soon as the gas pellet exploded near the sprinkler sensors, water poured down. As the water crashed down on Megavolt, it shorted out his electrical systems. Sparks danced all around the villain as he shrieked and cried out in pain.

It took ages for the sprinklers to stop, and by then Megavolt was steaming. He also looked exhausted from thrashing about, and was panting loudly.

"Huh?" Darkwing said, as he examined the battery that Megavolt was after. "Usually Megavolt goes after more impressive things."

Darkwing tossed the battery towards Dr. Rumproast. The professor fumbled to catch it, but managed, after a couple of slips, to hold on to the small invention. Once safely in his hooven hands, Dr. Rumproast breathed a sigh of relief, then snorted angrily at Darkwing.

"Launchpad, let's get this guy into a dry cell before he dries off," Darkwing said to his sidekick.

"Right-E-O, DW," Launchpad replied.

Still hiding under the table, Honker watched as Darkwing Duck and Launchpad tied up Megavolt and led him out. They'd been gone for a couple of minutes when Honker had the courage to come out of his hiding place. Dr. Rumproast started roaming around his office, looking at the damage. He was snorting so much that Honker figured it was best if he just left.

Honker walked home in a daze, his mind racing with all the details of what he'd just witnessed. There were so many clues to a puzzle that had been mulling in his mind for a month. But it was just so unbelievable; was it possible?

Honker stopped walking and calmed his emotions. This stressful event had churned up his fears and anxieties. To calm himself down Honker relied on logic, a known and trusted friend.

Taking a couple of deep breaths he cleared his mind to think clearly. To be able to understand the facts and make accurate hypothesis, Honker had to examine all the details objectively.

Okay, first thing, Honker thought. Darkwing Duck's sidekick is Launchpad. That's a certainty. And Launchpad lives next door.

Then there are the names. Darkwing Duck sometimes calls his sidekick LP. I've heard Mr. Mallard call Launchpad, LP a couple of times. Launchpad calls Darkwing Duck, DW. Launchpad calls Mr. Mallard, DW. It could be a coincidence.

Physical similarities: Darkwing and Mr. Mallard are about the same height. Though Darkwing's hat may give the illusion of extra height. Then there's their enormous beaks, same shape, too. But the clincher was all the injuries and bandages. Darkwing Duck and Mr. Mallard have exactly the same injuries and exactly the same bandages. Coincidence? Highly unlikely," Honker puzzled.

Honker was still deep in thought when he ran into Gosalyn just as they both reached home.

"Hey, Honk, what's up with you?" Gosalyn asked. She was covered in dirt from her soccer practice, but she was smiling triumphantly.

"Ah, well. It's- um," Honker sputtered, not sure how to express what was going on in his mind. That and he didn't know how much Gosalyn knew.

Honker eventually sighed and gave up trying to speak. He followed Gosalyn inside her home, feeling as if bullies had poured milk on his homework and strung him up by his backpack up the flagpole on the eve of a big exam.

Honker realized that Mr. Mallard wasn't home. He was injured; he shouldn't have been out and about.

"Ah, Dad's out, I didn't realize that he had a doctor's appointment today," Gosalyn said, looking around. "Cookies ahoy," she shouted energetically as she headed to the kitchen.

Gosalyn and Honker ate cookies in the kitchen while she animatedly gave a blow-by-blow account of her soccer practice. Honker mindlessly munched his cookie as he tried to accept what logic told him was true.

Later he heard voices coming from the living room, but he hadn't heard anyone come in the front door.

"Ow, okay, I'm willing to accept that I'm still too injured to be running around," Honker could hear Mr. Mallard saying from the living room.

"Hey, Dad. Me and Honker are in the kitchen," Gosalyn shouted.

"You haven't been into the cookies, have you?" Mr. Mallard shouted back.

Gosalyn and Honker wandered into the living room. Launchpad had put enough pillows under Mr. Mallard's feet that they were sticking straight up in the air, and Mr. Mallard was laying in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.

Launchpad, Gosalyn, and Mr. Mallard talked for a few minutes, Honker wasn't paying that much attention to the conversation; he was too busy staring at Launchpad and Mr. Mallard.

"Honker? Honk man, what's up with you?" Launchpad asked.

"Yeah, you haven't said a word this whole time," Mr. Mallard commented.

"Um, well, ah, it's um, a, um, err, ah, it's, well, ah, I, it's, um, err, I, well, ah," Honker tried to say.

Mr. Mallard grew more and more frustrated as Honker stumbled over his words. "Honker, spit it out," Mr. Mallard shouted, once his patience ran out.

"You're Darkwing Duck," Honker said hastily.

Honker then realized what he had said and slapped his hands over his beak. Gosalyn, Launchpad, and Mr. Mallard stared at Honker, their mouths hanging open so much that the edges of their beaks were scraping the floor. Mr. Mallard's eyes went really wide; for a moment Honker thought that he was going to get really angry and that he might be in trouble.

But then Mr. Mallard's expressions softened and he relaxed back into the sofa. "I hoped that you wouldn't recognize me," he said as way of admitting the fact.

"What? What did I miss?" Gosalyn asked, looking between her father and Honker. "Tell me. What's going on? How did Honker find out?" she kept asking, practically begging to hear the story.

"Well, DW went out when he should still have been resting," Launchpad started to explain. "But, he insisted on stopping Megavolt at the university."

"The university? Ah, Honker invited me to go too. I could have been there to help you squash the bad guy," Gosalyn whined.

Despite his injuries, Mr. Mallard stood to be able to tower over her. "No way. Fighting crime is far too dangerous. You'll stay home where it's safe."

"As if you could keep me locked up. I wanna help," Gosayln added with a pouty face.

Mr. Mallard brought his face right above hers. With their beaks pressed together and eyes locked, the two of them then had a silent battle of wills.

Honker was apprehensive about interrupting them, but he still had something else on his mind. "Ah, what happens now?" he asked.

Simultaneously both Gosalyn and Mr. Mallard relaxed and turned to face Honker. Mr. Mallard sat back down on the couch and with a sigh carefully put his injured legs on the tower of pillows.

"Well, I certainly hope that you will keep my secret," Mr. Mallard said. "With you being best friends with Gosalyn and being so smart, I knew it was going to be a challenge keeping this from you. But now you know that I am the terror that flaps in the night," Darkwing said dramatically as he sat up straight.

"I am the lumpy pillow that interrupts your dreams," he continued his melodramas hopping up on top of the tower of cushions with his arms spread as if he was holding his cape out behind him.

"I am Dar-" he was interrupted by the pillows falling out from underneath him.

Flailing his arms about like a drowning swimmer, Darkwing tried to keep his balance, but he went sprawling. From his swan dive, Darkwing ended up underneath most of the pillows. Gosalyn, Launchpad, and Honker snickered as quietly as possible.

"Yeah, you are a pillow pouncing professional," Gosalyn said sarcastically. She and Launchpad burst out laughing.

The pillows that had fallen on top of Darkwing toppled to the side, revealing a slightly disoriented Darkwing. The fallen hero shook his head as if clearing the cobwebs from his mind then slowly started chuckling too.

The revulsion of laughing at an injured person falling slowing melted away and Honker could feel joy warming his soul. Quietly at first, his laughter came out in short bursts, and then he laughed freely along with the others. Honker had friends who didn't mind his intelligence; actually they seemed to kind of respect him for it. Other than the astronomy club, this was the first time that Honker had felt like he really belonged to a group. It was good to laugh with friends.

**Author's note**: These characters' aren't mine; they are the property of Disney. With the exception of Dr. Rumproast, who is a figment of my imagination. Many thanks Megan-san for your midnight musings.


End file.
